My Rainbow Baby will be my last

The thought of Kipper turning one next month has forced me to accept a few things. The obvious being that he soon will no longer be considered a baby, already starting to stand independently it will not be long before he’s on his feet permanently. The second that he will be the last baby I will ever physically carry. Although I have been putting off some tests, at some point I will need to get them done to fully understand the extent (or not) of my auto immune disease. In passing I have referred to Kipper as my rainbow baby. I know I am not alone the more I read the more it becomes apparent that there are a lot of precious bundles out there that fall into the same category.

My Rainbow Baby

Even if it was an option from Hubbys point of view – which it most definitely is not.. I think I would have to question whether I would put myself through the heart ache again. Miscarriage is hard to process. Its never spoken about. Even between the closest of friends. I have no idea why. After all talking things through can help you understand even some of the most difficult emotions. Its a taboo that I would like to see disappear. I was lucky, with work I have private healthcare so I pushed hard on our second ‘official’ miscarriage to have something done about it. Even then the process took what seemed like an age and although they found something, which gave me a reason I so desperately needed. There was no further explanation. Many families suffer miscarriage every day and don’t have a reason. At least with a reason I had something to hold onto, a hope that we could overcome it and go onto to have our second born. Not only that the complications are significantly higher with my immune issue, its different when its just you that you need to worry about. However should the unthinkable happen out breaks my heart to think about the boys without a mother.

I still remember when we found out we found out I was expecting again we were in Canada at the time and the only thing I could think about was how am I going to deal with it while we are on holiday. We were with my in laws and visiting family I had never met so it wasn’t as if I could crawl off to a bar somewhere and cry into my margarita. You see on my last miscarriage I had disappeared into a big black pit. I could not understand why something that had come so naturally first time round wasn’t happening again.

Thankfully Kipper held on. I still think it was down to the aspirin. I have no idea what made me pick them up when I was packing to go away. Gut instinct? Or maybe it gave me the belief that this pregnancy was going to be different and maybe that was all I needed to get through those first few weeks. Saying that I never relaxed at all through out the pregnancy I was on tenter hooks. Not that I had any reason to be as I had always lost them early on. But that didn’t stop me worrying. In someways it took something away from me away from the pregnancy. The only way to deal with it was not to think about it. I have literally a handful if photos from the pregnancy. Those I do have tend to be towards the end, once I was ‘viable’. It was almost as I had to detatch myself a bit and only now looking back I can see that it was a necessity.

My Rainbow Baby

I would be lying if I didn’t say I don’t feel more protective of our second born because of having to fight harder to have him. Rather ipornically if his personality continues to develop as it has been then I think he will need me less than Monkey does. Our bond is strong though and was much stronger from the moment he was born. I was so ready to be a mother again. There was no doubt. Maybe thats just parenthood second time round? Or maybe it is because he is a rainbow baby?

I had taken the whole pregnancy, giving birth and having a healthy child for granted. Loosing however many (we will never know) babies made me realise how much of a miracle Monkey is as well. So as Kipper turns one and our eldest turns five I am just eternally grateful for both boys, no matter how much they may push our buttons. And although I am sad I will not be pregnant again, as I always pictured myself with a little girl one day. I am excited about what the future will bring for the boys and the adventures we will all have. And who knows fate may intervene and a little girl may come into our lives in a different way.

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11 Comments

  1. April 21, 2017 / 11:23 am

    Amazing story. Kipper is so lucky to have you, and you him. I have not had a miscarriage but I know with mental health that many people don’t talk about it. I hope you find some joy in him being your last also – and choose it. That is something I am working on at the moment with my son, choosing to be in the moment and making the choices that perhaps have been made for me.

  2. April 21, 2017 / 1:02 pm

    Kipper and Baby F were born within weeks of each other and I can’t believe they are both one either! I have never written about miscarriage as we’ve been so focused on our boys but for some reason we don’t often talk about the babies who never were. Sometimes I’ve thought I should be feeling more upset or to talk about it but I think everyone just has to deal with loss in their own way. We’ve decided that it was always our two boys who kept trying to be with us and after some false starts eventually they made it through. There was a part of me and Mrs B who always wanted a girl too but we are accepting that Baby F is also our last baby. So two boys it is! I think we’re all going to be in for a crazy old time! x
    Adrian recently posted…Coping With Sibling RivalryMy Profile

  3. April 23, 2017 / 7:24 am

    That’s a beautifully written post. It is hard to talk about which is such a shame. I was in my 30s before my dad mentioned that mum had miscarried, to this day she had not spoken about out. Big hugs for you and give those boys an extra squish today xx

  4. April 27, 2017 / 9:33 am

    I am so sorry to read about what you went through, miscarriage is so devastating and can make you feel so alone. I suffered miscarriages before my first born and again before my second. I also took aspirin and had successful pregnancies. I am so blessed to be a mummy to 3 living children who hung on and were little fighters. Maybe I would have tried again, but the fear of loosing another really still scares me, plus I developed a heart condition when pregnant with Adam and was told both of us may not survive the birth, so it is too much to risk again. Your boys are so beautiful, I am thrilled you have them in your life, such miracles xx #SharingtheBlogLove
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…Suicide Prevention. 13 Reasons Why.My Profile

  5. April 27, 2017 / 11:37 am

    I am sorry you went through this, my littlest is my rainbow and for many reasons will be my last too, and these are most definitely the ones that are independent and full of life! #sharingthebloglove
    Laura | Little Ladies Big World recently posted…A Pulled Elbow & HypermobilityMy Profile

  6. April 27, 2017 / 7:17 pm

    Ah such a tough subject to write about, but well done. Pregnancy is such an anxious period at the best of times, but when you’ve been through such heartache, it must feel unbearable. I hope Kipper has a lovely birthday #sharingthebloglove
    Lucy At Home recently posted…Oh Instagram, You Have Me Quaking In My Boots!My Profile

  7. April 28, 2017 / 12:59 pm

    This is beautifully written and I could associate with so much of what you have said. I am 99% certain that this baby will be our last and I intend to make the most of every single moment of it. #SharingtheBlogLove

  8. April 29, 2017 / 7:12 pm

    I totally understand this. I had an early miscarriage not long before this second pregnancy, and it’s something that I’ve only spoken to a few people about. My feeling were just so up and down about the whole thing, and I certainly couldn’t have written about it. It’s particularly strange to process as I’m well aware that if that pregnancy had continued, then this baby wouldn’t be here at all. This second baby will be our last too, as I just couldn’t face going through pregnancy again, but like you, I would have loved a little girl one day, as much as I’m thrilled to have two boys – it’s a strange one to explain properly! Thanks for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove
    Katy – Hot Pink Wellingtons recently posted…A visit to Little Street West ByfleetMy Profile

  9. May 1, 2017 / 5:45 pm

    I totally get this! Both my girls are rainbow babies, but not many people know this. It’s not something that is openly talked about, but equally I don’t hide it if it comes up. Holly is my last child and I will never know the love of a son. I wrote about that on my blog, as I actually always wanted to have 2 girls for Alice to have a sister. As I so desperately wanted a sister. But I will always wonder what it’s like to have a son. Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove
    Laura – dear bear and beany recently posted…Living Arrows 18/52 {2017}My Profile

  10. May 15, 2017 / 8:33 pm

    This is stunningly written and I feel that I could have written all these words myself. Little Mister H is my second rainbow baby after three recurrent miscarriages and four in total. I desperately wanted a reason for the miscarriages but they were unexplained. But I did take soluble aspirin during my pregnancy with Little Mister H and I wonder if that is why he is here in our lives. It breaks my heart a little to know that Little Mister H will be our last baby. But he is so precious and I could never risk putting myself through another miscarriage. My mental health just could not cope. I run a series on my blog called “My Rainbow Baby” where I invite other bloggers to share the story of their rainbow babies. I want to inspire hope in those that have faced the heartbreak of baby loss. I hope that the stories of these beautiful rainbow babies show that miracles do happen. I would love you to share Kipper’s story. If you would like to be involved then please do email me. Hugs Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…Sharing the story of my depression for Mental Health Awareness Week #MHAW17My Profile

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