Why the four year gap?

The below is an extract from my journal which I wrote the day we found out I was pregnant, at 4 weeks exactly. Just like many women before I did the test I knew, what I didn’t know was whether this one would be different.

4084899909608241b014bbf18afbf27e23dda13b33f14f10fba176233b4dccf6868730bbFirstly it wasn’t intentional we had planned to have our children closer together. There is 3 years between myself and my brother and my hubby and his sister. So for us three years was about right. However fate had other ideas and I have suffered several miscarriages in the last 12 months. A complete shock and to be honest denial for several months. Why? After all miscarriage is a common occurrence especially in second pregnancies and one generally us ladies find difficult to talk about. It wasn’t until I confessed to my mother the issue we were having that she told me about the miscarriage she had had between my brother and me.

It was compounded by the fact that when trying to fall pregnant the first time I barely only had to look at my husband. Apparently our gene pool works getting pregnant wasn’t the issue. Holding onto them is. I felt completely let down by my body why was it not performing what it was designed to do – reproduce? I decided it was time to seek medical advice and asked for a referral only to discover my private medical didn’t cover it. But by this time I was in the NHS system and started the slow process of getting to the bottom of things – in total it took about 9 months from the point of the first miscarriage to the correct diagnosis. 

05575591f2847470baa59f8e5244de4c464411ff76a2d6d3c4318afb2a4fdc448ed4f620In April I was confirmed as having a condition known as sticky blood or Antiphospholipid Syndrome, which had affected my thyroid function and meant that early miscarriage was more prone. So was still birth, its likely I would have had the condition with Monkey too but he was a fighter. And this sole fact gives me hope! Currently I am now pregnant with our second to be precious baby, meaning that it will be born assuming all goes to plan just before Monkey’s 4th birthday. Initial delight is slowing turning to fear and worry. The picture in my head of our happy 2.4 family is starting to curl slightly round the edges as I try to block out my paranoia. At just 4 weeks I am already wondering if this baby has the fighting spirit of its older brother. Every twinge unnerves me, is the cramping a sign of miscarriage or just the normal cramps that come in the first few weeks? Dare I dream of the wonderful heart felt moments of holding a new born? 

We are on holiday at the moment so I can’t go and get my thyroid tested or visit the early pregnancy unit to get the drugs they have recommended I start once pregnant. All I can do it accept it and try not to worry, something which is really difficult when you are a control freak like me! 

This is not a normal post for me, but I want to share our story so that other women with the same health issues as me can take comfort in the fact they are not alone. Sticky blood is not commonly diagnosed and until you get into the system and see the consultants you can feel very helpless.

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55 Comments

  1. Oh my I am very sorry for what you have been through and I hope that this pregnancy goes smoothly for you. It is very brave of you to share this xxxx

  2. Oh god, I’m so sorry for your lose. Never been in your position so I don’t know how your feeling, a worst nightmare! Sending positive thought and hugs xxx

  3. I am really holding my fingers crossed for you this time, and thank you for sharing, I’m sure it will help other women going through the same thing. lots of love xxx

  4. .Sara. (@OoSerzoO) Reply

    I am so sorry for everything you have been through. My fingers are tightly crossed for you. This couldn’t have been an easy post, thank you for sharing with us, I’m sure it’s going to help a lot of other ladies *huge hugs* xx

  5. Oh love I am so sorry to hear what you have been through but do you know what? You are a fighter, a great mother and a lovely person all round. Hope everything goes well with the second pregnancy x

  6. Oh Hun you’ve been through so much, thank you for sharing your story! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way x

  7. Angela Milnes Reply

    How exciting it must be to be having another baby. Sorry to here of your difficulties and I hope this goes well for you. Hope this baby is a fighter like Monkey 🙂

  8. Im feeling your pain. We’re trying to get pregnant with our second. We’ve miscarried 2 so far.
    But, like you I have a son. So hope is there. I trust my body will do the right thing. I hope it means we have a baby soon.

  9. Cheryl @ ReimerandRuby Reply

    I’m sorry to hear the difficult situation you have while pregnant. Fingers crossed, you have a little fighter in there holding on. Wish you’ll have a smooth pregnancy! Thanks for sharing! #BabyBrainMonday

  10. Michelle Murray Reply

    aww so sorry for everything you have been through. Well done for writing down what you were feeling as this could help others in similar situation. fingers crossed for you

  11. Oh I can’t imagine how this feels. I will cross everything for you. Life never ever goes to plan. Age gaps will work however big or small they are. Big hug and I will avidly follow to hear how you’re doing. #fartglitter

  12. thesingleswan Reply

    This is a really personal post. Well done and thank you for having the courage to share #babybrainmonday

  13. I was so excited to see your announce this on Instagram and can’t wait to follow your pregnancy. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages but I’m so happy that this little been has been sticky for you. All the best thoughts and vibes being sent your way for the rest of the pregnancy x #babybrainmonday

  14. Becky, Cuddle Fairy Reply

    I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages & how difficult your second pregnancy has been. I can’t imagine the nervous anxiety of wondering if another miscarriage will happen. I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly now! This is a wonderful post to share to inform people about sticky blood syndrome because I had never heard of it before you mentioned it. And also for women dealing with this condition themselves! #babybrainmonday x

  15. I only hope for the best for you. All will be well. 🙂 #anythinggoes

  16. I am crossing everything for you hun, it sound as though you have been so much and this post is full of raw emotion x

  17. Ellen O Keeffe Reply

    Oh you have had a rough time the past few months! I think Pip is a real fighter though just like Monkey 😉 x

  18. I am so sorry to read about your miscarriages and I wish you nothing but the best during your second pregnancy so that by the end of the 9 months you will have your newest addition to the family in your arms 🙂 x

  19. How terrible to have gone through all that. I really hope that this pregnancy goes well and that the little one is a fighter like Monkey.
    #twinklytuesday

  20. So pleased for you and your little family, its such exciting news and yet after everything you’ve been through quite nervewracking too. I really hope it all goes well for you, thanks for sharing your very precious news x #TwinklyTuesday

  21. agentspitback Reply

    I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Thank you for sharing your journey. Wishing you all the best xx #babybrainmonday

  22. So sorry for your losses. It sounds utterly heartbreaking but glad number one is okay, and what a brave mama he has!
    There’s 14months between my two and it is chaos. Complete chaos.
    A 4 year gap sounds perfect ??
    Hope all goes smoothly and the worry doesn’t get to you. I had a million and one problems when Penelope was born so was naturally scared with my second pregnancy, but it was all fine! Things have a way of working themselves out 🙂
    wishing you all the best, from a mum to a miracle baby, proof that girls are super strong: you can do it 🙂 xxx #anythinggoes x

  23. Oh you poor thing!:( I’m so sorry for your losses and also sorry it’s going to be an anxious time for you. When I fell pregnant with Arjun I had heard so many horror stories around ore eclampsia and I was high risk as I have high BP, I spent the whole 9 months petrified. I hope the proof that monkey was absolutely fine will give you some comfort Hun. Take one day at a time and stay positive. I’m sure you’re doing all you can. Lots of love and cuddles xx #babybrainmonday x

  24. Oh,lovely that must be so hard. I panicked at every twinge and I didn’t even have your real worry so I can’t imagine how frightened you must be. I’m sorry for your lost littles, I have known loss too. I, and many other people from all corners of the globe are rooting for you xxxx

    Thanks for linking up with #fartglitter, best of luck!

  25. Oh lovely, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and I hope so much that this little baby is as strong as his/her big brother. I can only imagine how worrying it is the whole time, I was a nightmare with the first pregnancy constantly thinking I was going to lose it – I have no doubt I’ll be the same again. I hope you can keep monitored closely. Sending lots of love your way. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

  26. So sorry for your losses. I have everything crossed for this pregnancy and that this baby is as much of a fighter as your first born. I love the curled up photo, I miss that stage of them being all tucked up when you lift them.

  27. Lisa (@backsnbumps) Reply

    Good luck, I hope this one is a little fighter just try to stay positive. Fingers crossed for you all xx #justanotherlinky

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  29. Oh fingers crossed lovely! That must have been a horrible experience previously if your first was ok! Glad you finally got a diagnosis as well – waiting is awful x #justanotherlinky

  30. Very odd. I could have sworn I commented days ago! Anyway I’d never heard of this condition til a few weeks ago when another blogger wrote about it. Maybe it’s not that uncommon. Terrible. Fingers crossed that all will go smoothly. Thanks for linking to #BabyBrainMonday

  31. randommusings29 Reply

    So sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Wishing you all the luck in the world with your pregnancy and hoping this little one is another fighter!
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes
    Debbie

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  33. I am sorry to hear of your loses and I have everything closed for you with your pregnancy. Thank you for sharing such a personal post so that others know they are not alone. Thanks for linking to #justanotherlinky xx

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  46. Amy slater Reply

    After 2 miscarriages and a year long fight I too was diagnosed with APS along with high natural killer cells. Once the shock of finally getting an answer the realisation that the treatment was fairly simple and very successful was a dream. Didn’t mean the pregnancy was any less worrying though. Every spot, ache and pain was analysed. In Feb 2016 we had a wonderful little girl. It’s interesting to read that you are prone to smaller babies as this was never discussed with me but explains why she was only 5lb 4oz, something they also seemed surprised at but not concerned.

    2 years on we are (at 39) attempting for number 2 and have our consultant appt in 2 weeks. Have to say though we have had a bit of a scare that it’s happened earlier than expected without drug support but I think it’s a false alarm but will be checking to make sure!!

    Thank you so much for your posts. Even my GPs had no idea what the condition was at first which was worrying but I now have a GP who has taken the time to research it and understand more so fingers crossed it will be easier coordinating the 2 2nd time round. Fingers crossed my age now doesn’t play a factor.

    All the best with your family x

  47. I know exactly how you feel, having had a miscarriage a few months ago. The disappointment in yourself even though you know it isn’t your fault is immense, and the thoughts of holding your newborn vanishing in just a second is even worse. I’m trying some supplements and this ovulation calculator (https://www.ovulation-calculators.com/) and I guess we’ll see how it goes next month!

    Thanks for the post & all the best xx

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